The #1 Sex Question Asked in a Therapist’s Office
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Sex is one of the most common reasons couples come to therapy. It makes sense, since it is one of the main ways we maintain intimacy and connection with our romantic partner. It also happens to be a topic that is laced with shame, isolation, expectations, and stigma, making it a common pain point. But regardless of the sexual problems that the relationship is experiencing, the majority of couples seem to have the same question:
Are we having enough sex?
We want to share the research-backed answer that can help you enjoy more pleasure and less stress.
The Short Answer
We know you are busy, so let’s cut to the chase. The answer is surprisingly simple:
You are having the right amount of sex if it feels right for your relationship.
There is no magic number.
We know this can feel frustrating, like an “it depends” answer. But stay with us. Since there is no universal right frequency, the more useful question becomes whether the amount of sex you are having feels right to you and your partner.
If it does not feel right, that is not a failure. It is an invitation to explore expectations, desires, and barriers to change so your sexual relationship can better align with what works for you as a couple.
The Long Answer
There are two main reasons couples tend to ask this question in the first place:
Comparison
As human beings, we are wired to compare ourselves to others. This is well documented in social psychology as an automatic behaviour we engage in daily. We compare ourselves to people we perceive as doing better than us, as well as those we perceive to be worse off.
Think about how often you have heard someone disclose how frequently they have sex with their partner and noticed your own internal response. Maybe it sounded like “wow, we are doing it way more than them” or “that is so much more than us, what is wrong with us?”
Even for people who are self-aware and actively working to respond to comparison in healthier ways, it still exists. Awareness simply gives us more choice in how we interpret it.
Discrepancy in Desire
Research shows that frequency is the number one issue couples struggle with in their sexual relationships. Around 80 percent of heterosexual couples experience this challenge.
One reason for this is that we all experience desire differently. Each person has a unique physiological and psychological makeup that shapes how desire shows up.
Some people experience spontaneous desire. This means that thinking about sex or being propositioned by a partner can lead to feeling turned on, even during something very unsexy like folding laundry.
Others experience responsive desire. In this case, being propositioned while folding laundry may not spark immediate desire. Instead, arousal may come after emotional connection, physical closeness, or intentional warm-up.
When couples do not understand these differences, it can lead to painful assumptions. A person with responsive desire may assume that because they are not turned on at the moment of initiation, they never will be. A person with spontaneous desire may assume they want sex too much or that their partner is not attracted to them.
These assumptions can create feelings of rejection, frustration, and disconnection.
Another factor that influences desire is how easily we are turned on versus turned off. Sex researcher Emily Nagoski describes this using the idea of sexual “accelerators” and “brakes.” Everyone has both, but the strength of each varies from person to person. Differences in accelerators and brakes can further contribute to mismatched desire in a relationship.
What If Our Number Does Not Feel Right for Us?
Once you understand why this question comes up and that there is no magic number, the next step is knowing what to do if you are not satisfied with your current level of sexual connection.
Manage Comparison
We cannot eliminate comparison, but we can change the meaning we attach to it. When you notice yourself comparing your sex life to others, bring your focus back to your own relationship and ask yourself:
Is this working for us?
If it feels good, there is nothing to fix. If having more or less sex would feel wrong for either partner, that matters. When both partners are on the same page, the frequency is already right.
Normalize Different Types of Desire
If there is a discrepancy between spontaneous and responsive desire, naming it can be incredibly helpful. Understanding that one partner may need more time or different conditions to feel desire can reduce shame and tension.
Identifying each partner’s accelerators and brakes can also help. This allows couples to do more of what supports arousal and less of what shuts it down. A helpful starting point for many people is Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are. Working with a couples or sex therapist can also provide structured support and deeper exploration.
Break the Cycle of Judgment
Sexual frequency is not a measure of worth, success, or relationship quality. Shaming peers for dry spells, fluctuating desire, or different preferences reinforces unnecessary pressure and stigma.
Supporting one another in doing what feels right, and seeking help when something feels off, creates healthier conversations about sex for everyone.
Conclusion
Whether you have been together for a month, a year, or a decade, many couples ask the same question: are we having the right amount of sex?
There is no single answer. What matters is that your sexual relationship feels pleasurable, connecting, and aligned with your values as a couple. There are many ways to build intimacy, and no one path is better than another.
If you are feeling stuck, disconnected, or unsure how to navigate differences in desire, support can help. Our team works with couples to explore intimacy, communication, and connection in ways that feel respectful, affirming, and sustainable for your relationship.
For those in British Columbia, The Nest Counselling Services offers individual and couples counselling where we can dive deeper into the challenges you’re facing. You can book a free 20-minute consultation with us below.
About the Author: Autumn Fowler, MA, CCC
Autumn is a psychotherapist and relationship specialist serving individuals and couples who desire fulfilling relationships with the people who matter most - whether this be with themselves, a family member, friend, or spouse. She has a special interest in working with those on the journey towards or transition into parenthood. Autumn is also a wife, mama to two young boys, daughter, sister, and friend. She cares deeply about the human connection and loves sharing this passion with her community.
